Years ago, when attending our first pregnancy classes as panicked first timers to the whole concept of babies and parenting, we were told something that’s stayed with me ever since.
“All you need to do is make your child feel safe and loved. The rest will follow.”
How true those words are.
Yet are we making time to do that?
It was once thought that trauma was restricted to the realm of post- traumatic stress syndrome, occurring predominantly in war veterans or severe abuse victims. But according to world renowned physician Gabor Mate’, childhood development and trauma expert, it’s not.
“Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you” …creating “a scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended.” Gabor Mate’
Clinical psychologist Dr. Mataji Kennedy sees it every day in clinic, “Trauma is now understood to be broader than what we originally thought. There are more complex and subtle forms of trauma affecting people in everyday life that we’re only just starting to talk about. It could be growing up with an addict as a parent. It could be as indirect as neglect, or never being given the space or time to be heard or validated about real feelings, or in being groomed to be perfect, or if the child asks for their needs to be met, and the parent doesn’t or cannot meet these.
Basically, the message the child is getting is ‘Who they are, or what they want is NOT OK.’ And the trauma of these situations creates a disconnect with the body and mind. And that’s where problems begin.
Disconnect is a coping mechanism, a way for the person to avoid feeling something in that moment that’s either scary, painful, shameful or confusing. But in doing so, the person is disconnecting from their own instincts, their higher intelligence, being taught not to trust those or themselves anymore.
“I often see it in clients who supress themselves, who don’t speak up for themselves, doubt their choices, or present with panic attacks, heightened anxiety and general anxiety and who get overwhelmed.” Says Dr. Kennedy. They are often supressing or fighting against who they really are. How they really feel, and this creates a tension, an unbalanced problem, a tug of war between two opposite sides, a disconnect between what one really wants vs. what one has been told or thinks they should want.
Disconnect is additionally the space where addictions of all kinds can become a soothing, coping mechanism to this dichotomy of battles between our true nature vs. what we think we should be.
And interestingly, many clients with disconnect, also present with chronic illness later in life. “There’s always a question mark there.” Dr. Kennedy says of the association between the body presenting with illness and trauma induced disconnect from childhood.
So, according to these two bright minds Dr. Gabor Mate’ and Dr. Mataji Kennedy in the field of psychology and parenting, some tips they give on raising healthy kids would be to,
Make the time to get to know yourself & listen to your kids.
Listen and accept without a script, or a come-back, or a critique or suggestion. Just listen.
Let go of expectations. It’s OK to be messy, not perfect, they’ll find their way.
Be a guide they can trust in, not a crushing authoritarian forcing them to be someone they’re not.
“Because if we were all more connected as a global society, feeling alright to be who we really are, the world would be coming from a more insightful place.” Dr. Kennedy suggests.
So, if you’re not already, maybe try out the parenting stance of; “Hey, however and whoever you are, you’re absolutely OK.”
Because the truth of the matter is, they are!
And so are you.
Article done w
ith Dr. Mataji Kennedy and wise words from Gabor Mate’
Make an appointment with Honor Tremain for any health or lifestyle advice 0409 961 269
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